Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
Do you think that your self from, to say, 2 years ago would've recognise you if they happen to see you?
Some days I look at the mirror and I can't recognise myself. I don't know if I'm just being obsessive, since I'm in the habit of being so, but such a short time I have become someone completely different. Not that the change is not a positive one but I can't get rid of this persistent feeling in my throat.
What could possibly change for two years? Everything - where I live, what I like, what I do, what I want, how I am. Everything. My hair, for f@%k sake, it's short and blond-ish now - it used to be long and red, poppy type of red. I'm that changed. I hardly ever drink now, I could honestly say that I don't smoke and I do excercise. And that is all so very nice and good for me and healty and so on, it's just not who I used to be, whom I associate myself with. I look different, I act different, I am different.
I used to love being surrounded by tens of people, meeting new people and engaging in all conversations. Noisy places and strangers were my go-to routine. Now I'll become anxious if there are more than 5 people around me and I have to chit-chat with most of them. I don't feel like I belong if I'm surrounded by strangers or if it's just too noisy around me. I prefer staying in with my closest ones and just being at home.
Well, not exactly home. There is no such concept as home anymore. I don't belong here, in England, but neither do I belong back where I grew up. I have places where I live but none of them feels like this is where I have to be. And that messes up with my brain and my feelings quite a lot. I feel lost.
I feel lost but I'm actually found. I have never stood so firmly on my ground, I have never been so certain that I know something very important. I just haven't figure out what is it.
Don't take me wrong - I'm happier than I have ever been. I am healthier than ever before, I'm in love with great, loving and caring person, my family is doing well (not extraordinary well, but well enough for me not to worry day to day), I'm doing reasonably well at school and it's all good. No storms, at least not from the detectable type. And yet, I'm laying awake in my bed at night and I can't stop thinking that for two years I have changed so much that I'm not sure if I know anything about myself anymore. All I have from my past self are stories that burst into my mind, stories no one else knows anything about. No one knows who I used to be. But maybe this is all for good.
For two years I have changed so much that I don't recognise myself anymore. But that's OK, that's just because I have turned on the lights in myself. I have forced the monsters from under my bed and the demons inside my head to meet me in daylight. There are no sights of forthcoming storm. I have not planted winds to harvest storms. I planted sunflowers and tulips and they are just showing their first fresh leaves above the ground. They are just about ti blossom and so do I.
You can't get lost if you don't know where you're going...
